Cabbage Soup and 100 Calorie Packs

It started in the summer of 2008.

I was 23.

A group of my best friends and I had planned a trip to Mexico, and I wanted to be in the best shape ever. I hadn't done much physically since graduating high school, and I'd never toyed around with dieting, so I figured, why not? Let's see what happens if I try.

I began simply by counting calories. I tracked every single crumb that entered my mouth on My Fitness Pal. My goal quickly morphed, from the 'healthy weight-loss calorie goal' of 1200 per day, to seeing just how many calories I could have left over from that bank at the end of the day. Let me tell you, it was a game I was GOOD at: sometimes I'd have 500+ left!

I saw changes in my body. Quickly. I was dropping weight at a fast rate. Other people were noticing. I was euphoric when I easily fit into my friend's size 25 jeans for the first time. I felt such accomplishment when looking at the scale. I worked hard at moving that number, so I got to take total credit for my win. I was in control!

When August rolled around, it was time for Mexico! And I went. And I went at a skinny 117 pounds- the lightest I'd been since at least high school.

Where it all started: Mexico Trip- 2008

We had an amazing time. The trip was fun. I was confident. I drank all the drinks, and ate all the food. I had an incredible trip!

When we returned, I just figured I'd jump back on the calorie-counting wagon, and keep going like I was before the vacation. I felt incredible, so why not see how far I could go?

But this time, it was different.

I couldn't stick to my calorie counts. Not only was I using up my 'banked' calories, but I was regularly exceeding the 1200. I didn't like feeling like I was failing, so I'd simply stop tracking. If I couldn't see the numbers where I'd gotten off track, it didn't happen.

This slowly led to not only eating more than my allotted 1200 calories, but exceeding them grossly, through bingeing. I'd starve myself all day, sometimes only eating a tiny spinach salad for lunch, only to eat everything in sight by evening.

Naturally, the scale went up. And as the scale went up, my sense of self-worth plummeted. 120 was my number. It was the number that each and every day revolved around. If I woke up and weighed myself and it was 120 or less? It was a great day! If that scale read anything over 120, it was, "Well, shit. I'm disgusting and lazy. I need to make up for this, so 'll just skip the creamer in my coffee this week, and just do salads the rest of the day."

This continued for literally years.

Every day was some version of this:

Wake up. Weigh myself (naked only, of course. I don't want those clothes adding unnecessary pounds!). Proceed to start my newest and best diet for the week. (A couple of my big ones were the cabbage soup diet and the lemon/cayenne pepper/maple syrup Master Cleanse. If it worked for Beyonce, it would work for me!) Follow the diet strictly until I fall off and binge. Cry. Pick apart myself in the mirror. Tell myself I'll start again Monday. Start again Monday. Repeat.

Master Cleanse Diet. I lasted like a day.

Cabbage Soup Diet. Seriously. Awful.

As I traveled this road, things began to get even worse. As each fad diet didn't end up working for me, I took comfort in bingeing. It was always done in secret, as it's a very shameful thing. Slowly, my bingeing morphed into purging as well. I would eat so much, then get into a panic over all of the calories I'd just consumed, and, fearful of getting fat, I'd throw up. Again, always in secret. This shit was embarrassing. But it became something I looked forward to. After a hard day of starving myself, I'd look forward to mixing up that batch of cookie dough, only to eat it all, and then get rid of it. It was disgusting. But it was my reality.

I remember journaling through this time of my life. I would write about my day. I'd write about the things I ate. I'd write about my purging. I'd write about how ashamed I was. I specifically remember a day that I broke down in tears, because I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be able to enjoy one cookie, without overthinking it. I wanted to go a day without thinking one damn thing about the food I was consuming, or the number on the scale. I wanted it so bad, but didn't think I'd ever be able to have it. And that brought me to tears. I felt stuck, with no way out.

I can't tell you exactly when I decided to try and help myself. I think I was just tired of being sad and tired. So I went through the motions. I started seeing a therapist. I bought alllllll the books and workbooks on eating disorders. I even went to an overeater's anonymous meeting once. I can honestly say, when I was doing these things, I was just going through the motions. I don't think they worked, because I wasn't ready internally to do the work. The eating disorder was obviously a sign of something bigger within me, but I didn't realize that at the time. My subconscious was like, "Nope. We need this still. It's serving it's purpose of distracting you from fixing what you really need to fix: a low self-esteem and a need to be accepted. That will be hard. I'm keeping you safe by keeping you in this disorder. You're welcome. Keep doing it, please." On the surface, I just thought I needed to be skinny.

One of the many books purchased, in desperation.

After I moved back to Wray from beauty school in 2012, my behaviors slowly became less frequent. I wasn't dieting as much, and therefore, not bingeing and purging. It was harder to hide when I wasn't at school alone, so by default it became less and less.

The real change came from me looking at my underlying issues, and working on them first.** Once I realized I am awesome, just as I am, the game changed. I realized that I have some pretty friggin' amazing things to offer this world, so why am I caught up in pointing out what I feel to be flaws, and areas I fall short? When I focus on my strengths as an individual, and can come from a place of self-love, I naturally have a higher self-esteem. And with a higher self-esteem comes that feeling of worthiness and acceptance I had been searching for in my dieting. When I was coming from a low-vibe place of lack, and focused on only my 'weaknesses', it left me feeling inadequate, and like I needed to improve something. Boom. Those thoughts brought on low self-esteem, and the need to be liked and accepted- through dieting. Seriously, it's incredible what you can achieve when you focus your energy on things other than calories. Who knew?!

The second I decided to accept and love myself, my subconscious was like, "Ok girl. I feel safe now. You don't need to change yourself into someone else to be accepted and loved. You can be seen as you are. You're good."

So what did this actually physically look like, in terms of everyday life?

Physically, I stopped picking apart every little perceived flaw I saw on myself. Instead, I started to be thankful for the things my body could do. I began doing workouts, not to punish myself, but because they made me feel incredible. (Um, I'm doing real push-ups now. Something I could never do when eating 500 calories a day! I've got a shitty knee, but how great is it that there are so many other exercises I can do, despite that?!) My body isn't perfect, but damn is it capable of some good shit!

When it comes to my eating habits, those changed for the better as well. The major shift? I've stopped viewing food in terms of calories, or 'good and bad', and started looking at it as fuel, and how it will make me physically feel. I eat better, more nutritious food now than I ever did before. Real fruit and veggies have taken the place of those ridiculous 100 calorie cookie packs. Seriously, just thinking of the hundreds of those things I've eaten over the years makes me cringe. I eat to have the energy to do the things I want to do, not to see how little I can get away with.

So yes. I realize that was a lot to take in, in an 8 minute blog post. Most of you reading this will probably be totally shocked to even know I went through this. And let me tell you, it isn't a thing that's exactly easy to share. It's still quite embarrassing and shameful for me. Seriously, putting some of my darkest, imperfect truths out there is horrifying. But the truth is, it isn't. It isn't, when I know that reading things like this were helpful for me. It isn't, when I can help people see that this is something that even seemingly 'normal' people deal with. It isn't, when I realize that I can take my crappiest experiences, and use them to help. It isn't, if it makes people think twice about what they *think* people are going through. Most have no clue, and I hope this can remind people of that.

Just like any other mental health issue out there, eating disorders are just that: mental health. It's got nothing to do with how you look on the outside. So it's not a vain, shameful disease. It's simply a way our brains have decided to handle something that we consciously can't. Until we can.

And lastly, I'll be the first to admit: Appearance is still something that is a part of my world. I'm a cosmetologist, so naturally, it just is. I'm not sorry for that. Because I've finally realized, that there's so much more to me than 'Brittany: The tall, skinny blonde.'

I'm smart. I'm determined. I'm witty af. I'm a great friend. I am a ridiculously good listener. I get to make people feel good about themselves every single day. I'm a damn good mom to my sassy Sophie. I can write a kick ass blog. And I'm the most optimistic, happy person you'll likely meet, albeit a quiet one in person. (That's what the blog is for. Duh.) And how sad would that be if I didn't realize all these amazing things about myself, and just continued to try and be skinny? Yikes. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather my obituary be full of life and color, like me, than a record of how much I weighed my entire life. Blah.

So find the things you love about yourself. Focus on using them for the greater good. Share your story. Be pretty, but be interesting and funny, too. Get help.** I'm no professional, but I'm always all ears. And above all, just love yourself already. (Or at least begin taking the steps toward self-love!) You're worthy, as you are. You're capable, as you are. You deserve that space you're taking up. You already are, Luxuriously Dope.

** Eating disorders are not something that can always be 'fixed' or 'cured' on your own. In fact, the best thing you could do is reach out to a professional for help. This is just my story of how I overcame my behaviors. I was too embarrassed to let anyone know I had a problem. Although I no longer deal with these extreme behaviors, I still deal with the thoughts. And I will continue to. If you need help, get it. My story is likely not how yours will go. I'm just here to tell you, it's ok. You're still worthy of helping yourself. Even if it's scary. It's so worth it.

www.nationaleatingdisorders.org