Control: My Little Anti-Anxiety Pill

Control.

I’ve seen this term used in many contexts.

It can be negative- a person who is a control freak is a basket case. Or a person who controls someone else is an ass.

I tend to see it as a powerful word- but not necessarily a negative one. In fact, I use it all the time to empower myself.

It really comes in handy when I’m freaking out about a situation that’s- ironically- out of my control, for the most part. It’s like a little Xanax for my brain, and calming the situation. (I’ve never actually had a Xanax. That picture is actually a purple Children’s Claritin. I’ve heard good things though.)

So wtf am I talking about? Here are some real-time examples that actually plague me relatively frequently.

Situation 1: I texted someone, and they have yet to reply.

(**Side note: This idea is originally from Jen Sincero’s Your Are a Badass’. Although she uses it a little differently, this one ALWAYS helps me.)

Here’s the thought process that ensues in my head: ‘I have reason to believe they didn’t like the way my last message was worded, or what it said, so they aren’t happy with me. They are mad at me now. I should send another text to smooth things over. Shit, no I shouldn’t- If they took that personally, that’s on them. Gah, it’s been way too long since I sent that. They are obviously pissed. How do I fix this?!’ Then the nauseous stomach sets in... and I’m irritable and agitated.

Then.

I look outside my brain for one damn second, and ask myself- what can I control here? I can control my out of control thoughts. I know that 9/10 times, they’ve put their phone down, and haven’t seen my text. Or saw it, but haven’t had a chance to respond. That’s. It. I cannot control the speed at which they reply, or how they took my text. I can control stepping away and giving them X amount of time before I touch base again. Instantly, by taking charge of what I can control in the situation, (MY thoughts on the reality of the situation, and MY actions) my nerves are calmed. I can breathe again. And generally speaking, I get a completely normal-not-mad-text back in a reasonable amount of time.

Situation 2: I actually did mess up. I said something I shouldn’t have. I was a bitch when I didn’t mean to be. (Or did...) Now I feel bad and have a mess on my hands. I go into panic/overthinking mode. I assume they hate me. I don’t know how this will play out. I wish I could go back. I caused a problem. I’m nauseous again.

Then I recognize this feeling and grab my control pill. What CAN I control at this point?

I can reach out and apologize. They can accept it or not, but that’s not in my control. All I can actively do is the right thing from there forward. It may not have the outcome I hoped for, and it may. But that’s not up to me. And I accept that. I apologize for my wrongs. I learn my lesson to move forward. And I can calm myself, knowing I came from a good place in my apology, and that’s all that’s in my power to do at that point.

Situation 3: I’m panicked about literally any thing ever: big or small. I’m making it a huge deal. And I’m-yep, your guessed it- nauseous again.

A super simple ‘in my control’ fix on this general one is: GIVE IT TIME. 99% of things won’t matter in time anyway, whether it’s 10 minutes or 5 years. So adjust accordingly, but you can control whether or not you freak out about something that won’t even be a thing in a matter of time.

**Bonus ‘Mom’ Situation: When my kid is driving me BAT SHIT CRAZY with her whining or crying or whatever it is... I can control not screaming at her because I’m annoyed. I can control my thought process of ‘This isn’t about me right now. What‘s going on in her world at this moment? Is she tired? Frustrated?‘ And then amidst my self control, I can entertain compassion and not be the psychotic screamer. (I’m working on this. I have absolutely been the psychotic screamer.)

I could keep going on these situations, but the reality is this: whenever I find myself overwhelmed and panicky about something, I take a step back, take my emotions out of the picture, and think: ‘What is in MY control here? What can I do to improve the situation or my panicked self?’

The majority of the time the answer isn’t even in DOING- it’s in controlling/rerouting my objective thought processes on the situation itself.

And THEN I do it.

Will doing what’s in your control always fix things?

No.

But I do think having that little ‘What Can I Control in this Situation Anti- Anxiety Pill’ a powerful tool to have in your back pocket, especially when things get to be too much, or you are drowning in the emotions of a situation. It will bring the crazy down about 14 notches, and help your little heart.

‘I can’t control the situation, but what CAN I control in this moment?’

Because the right dose of control in a shitty situation is Luxuriously Dope.

(**Disclaimer: Mental health is a job for the professionals- which I obviously am not. There is a time and place for anxiety medication. This piece is not meant to discourage professional help or medication. Seek that if you need it! This is simply an opinion piece by a 30-something mom working through her own stuff, and sharing bits along the way.)