Living for the Likes

*Posts selfie to IG*

*Receives immediate likes*

*Feels on top of the world*

Seems pretty legit, right? Like, who wouldn't want to feel good about themselves. And other people said it was a great pic, so... must be true.

Boom.

Onward, to the next, even more impressive, shot of your mug.

Oh honey.

Sadly, this is totally a thing. On the internet, and in real life. And often, this is as far as we get into it. Keep making moves for that approval.

It's called positive external validation. And it's actually a pretty negative thing. And something I've struggled with in the past, and have seen people around me struggle with, as well. (Hell, if you have ever posted anything at all on social media, you're subject to it.)

You're probably thinking, "Ok, Brittany. I know for a fact you still post plenty of yourself on your page. Do share what your supposed 'knowledge' on this subject is...."

Let's start with the actual term Validation. The internet defines it as "the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable."

So by default, when someone validates you, your existence, and your accomplishments in a nice way (i.e. that 'like'), it becomes positive external validation. You didn't find yourself officially acceptable; somebody else did.

Positive external validation happens on social media, and in real life. It's the really awesome, positive things people say to you. It's the 'likes' and 'loves' on your super cute facebook picture. It's the comment section full of heart emojis. It's seeing people sharing your post, more than one time! It's people telling you how great you look after you've been visiting the gym. It's wearing that flattering new dress, and having people exclaim, " OMG! I love your dress. You look gorgeous." Or maybe it's an acquaintance commenting positively on your newest blog post, and raving about your writing abilities.

In both the in-person and online situations, positive validation feels freaking awesome. It gives you that rush of endorphins. It gives you that feeling of "Just try to stop me now, bitches! I'm awesome!" It confirms what you were trying to convey: 'I look good, feel good, am good at what I do, and I've worked hard to get here!' It's a middle finger to your haters. It's an ego stroke. It just.... feels good.

And who doesn't want to feel good?! Shouldn't we STRIVE for this?!

Nope.

Come on, you knew that was coming.

If you take this positive outside validation (as well-meaning as the people giving it are!) too seriously, or for too long, or instead of looking within, it can have some extremely negative consequences. (Think too many delicious cookies. Every single day. They're amazing. But they add up over time. To not great things.)

Dammmmmit. Amiright?!

Let's look at a possibly overly lengthy example, to put this into perspective.

Fiona is sick and tired of being sick and tired. So she decides to embark on a fitness journey, in order to feel better, and be her best self.

She starts dragging her butt to the gym every morning. She starts replacing her potato chips with fresh veggies. She begins researching the best alternative to a donut for breakfast.

Soon, she is genuinely feeling amazing. She has lost weight. She has toned up. She has energy for days. Her depression is decreasing. Her acne is clearing up. Fiona is glowing, and her confidence is through the roof.

She is doing the hard things, and feeling amazing. The very definition of a bad bitch. (Well, my definition, anyway...)

Naturally, people around her start to notice the changes they've seen in Fiona. And they express their amazement, and sing her praises (and they really do mean it!).

"You look amazing! What are you doing? Keep it up, you are awesome! You are so dedicated! Look at those abs!" And on... and on.

Naturally, Fiona is on cloud nine. She already knew she felt good, but this positive external validation feels AMAZING. "I must really be awesome, because everyone else is telling me so! I thought I was, but this confirms it and makes it true! Go me!"

With this newfound confidence and identity, Fiona charges forward in her fitness journey. She gets more extreme. "If they liked me and I was awesome at gym time, they'll LOVE me at intermittent fasting and macro counting!"

As she continues down this path, the comments become fewer and far between, because the newness has worn off. Fiona is suddenly feeling like shit, and is confused.

"Wait, I must not be working hard enough, or looking good enough anymore, so I'm not worth shit. What a failure I am. I was getting so many comments before, and now I'm not, so it must be my truth. I'm worthless."

The next thing you know, Fiona is trying to 'find' herself again. She's chasing that once-incredible feeling of confidence. But this time, it's in totally inauthentic ways. She's searching for people to tell her. She's trying dangerous fads in an effort to change her appearance. She's pushing away those that were once close to her, in constant pursuit of a compliment to make her feel worthy again.

Just like that, Fiona isn't Fiona anymore.

Instead of chasing her goals to feel good, she's chasing external positive validation. And she is more lost than she ever was before.

A few different things snowballed and led Fiona to this point.

In a nutshell, here's how this process generally goes:

1. We become addicted to the likes

2. We begin to find our sense of self-worth in the likes

3. We become defeated without the likes

4. We feel like we aren't enough without the likes

5. We strive to conform to what others will like, whether it's true for us or not-for the likes

6. We lose our authenticity and our true selves-to the likes

(I use the term 'likes', but that is totally interchangeable with terms like 'approval' or 'validation'.)

Basically, if we base our sense of self-worth on those mood-boosting compliments, we're going to have some pretty messed up self-esteem. Not to mention, absolutely no control over our happiness, whatsoever, because we've handed that key over to anyone and everyone else.

So what SHOULD Fiona work on in this situation?

She should work on graciously accepting the compliments and saying, "Thank you."

But then internally, she needs to let them slide off of her shoulders, much like they say we should do with negative comments hurled our way.

She should build her own sense of self-worth and confidence on HER terms (I.e. 'I can now do 10 pull-ups instead of 6. Look at me go. I'm a BADDIE!')

Fiona should keep following and doing the things that make her feel good. And she should convince herself that that in itself is enough to be proud of herself. And worthy.

**In all reality, it comes down to learning how to love yourself. But, as we all know by now, that's the topic for a whole other blog post. Or entire book.**

So for today, let's begin by recognizing what external positive validation is, and trying not to fall victim to it. Stop taking outside positive comments to heart. Be grateful, but move on. Stop striving to get a like. Stop the bullshit, for the sake of a quick confidence boost.

I mean, you can confidently post that selfie, on YOUR terms. Because you already KNOW.

Just be you. Do you. Authentically. Bravely. And know that's enough to make you a total baddie.... And Luxuriously Dope.