Maybe It's Not Them. Maybe It's You.

I want you to think of someone you cannot stand.

Someone who completely makes you cringe when you think of their name. Or face.

Someone who just gets on your nerves, and you'd rather go to Phoenix in the dead of summer, without air conditioning or sunscreen, than run into them.

Got it?

Got their annoying little face in your brain?

Good.

Now what if I told you- the reason you can't stand them likely has nothing to do with them as a human being, and it has everything to do with you?

You'd likely walk away, call me the crazy one, or, in this case, stop reading and go back to scrolling facebook. Brittany's lost her damn mind again.

But I'm serious. More often than not, our discomfort with another individual is completely based off of our own fears.

**Before I dive into this, I'd like to acknowledge something. Just like anything, this isn't true for every situation. Somebody might have stolen your cat, or boyfriend, or eaten the last of your leftover Jimmy John's in the fridge. They indeed, did something that warranted the feelings you have toward them. This is bigger picture.)**

We often times have deep-rooted, subconscious beliefs around certain things. If someone threatens those, directly, or indirectly, we get uncomfortable and irritated. At face value, it may show itself as annoyance, jealousy, or just downright dislike.

But what happens when we take the time to search the why behind our feelings? When we can look at the situation objectively? When we stop making them the focus, and focus on ourselves?

Magic, baby. Pure magic.

How about an example of this magic played out, in my own world?

Throwback to beauty school, circa June 2011.

My class had like, 7 people in it.

I liked them all.

But as classes really started rolling, I started to get really, really, really irritated with this one know-it-all girl. You know the type. They are an expert in every subject (even though we've literally been taught the same information up to this point....). If you mention you did something, they did it better or bigger. They're never wrong, and have an argument for everything. They'll jump into any conversation, whether it involves them or not, to throw some 'facts' at you, or prove you wrong. They're also usually fairly smart. And loud.

Yep. This was my girl. The one I started avoiding at all costs. As rude as it was, I couldn't help it. She drove me nuts, the way she would shout things out, intrude on my conversations, and try to one up all of us.

I'd love to say that I took some time to look at my own self, and totally changed my ways with her, and we graduated the best of friends.

We did not.

But thankfully, I was able to learn a valuable lesson from this interaction much later. But it took me looking at my own shit. Here's what I found:

1.) I'm smart. Like, pretty smart. I've always been smart, and I've always been a quick learner. And a lot of times, generally speaking, I was considered the 'smart' girl in class- clear through high school. But suddenly, I had competition. Here was this girl, who, in all reality, was smart. She did know her shit. And deep down, I didn't like that she was taking that from me. I liked being the smart girl. I wore it that title like a badge of honor. Quietly, without boasting. But I did. And suddenly here was this girl who was giving me a run for my money for that title. Consciously, I was like, "Who's this bitch, and why does she keep talking?" But my subconscious was just trying to protect my smart-girl badge. Nothing more. It was me, not her.

2.) I don't want people to think I'm dumb. As I've mentioned before, I've had self-esteem issues in the past. One of these issues was a fear of what people thought; specifically, a fear of people thinking I was dumb. (I know. I literally just told you that I was the smart girl. I don't get it either.) So when I combined this fear of people thinking I'm dumb, with the fact that I'm not, nor have I ever been, an outgoing and loud human, I was, by default, the dummy. Because I didn't shout out my knowledge of hair lightener, or offer to answer questions out loud, and she did, I looked dumb. I wanted people to know I was smart, but I wasn't going to yell about it. So in this case, the conscious was like, "SHHHHHHUT THE EFF UP!!!" But the subconscious was just trying to make sure I wasn't viewed as dumb. Again, me, not her.

3.) I'm quiet and nice. Yep. I'm gonna delve into this one a little deeper. It's not a super interesting one, but definitely played a part. As I've said before, I've always been a quiet and shy person. Like, since I can remember. I think part of this was always, again, a fear of being wrong or saying the wrong thing, and looking dumb. I didn't want to embarrass myself, so I played it safe in silence. By doing this, I was also often (and still am!) mistaken for a bitch. In all reality, I'm a super empathetic and nice person, and I love nothing more than connecting with people! So why did my classmate and my silence clash? Because my sweet little subconscious self was just making sure I was accepted. But consciously, I was pissed that she was taking all that attention. If she'd just quiet tf down, people could see what I have to offer! And one last time, say it with me: It was me, not her.

I'm happy to say that once I realized allllllllll of this, I have no more beef with her. She probably didn't even know I did. But I understand that my feelings toward her were really more of a reflection of my mindset and circumstances, and by simply existing, she had triggered me.

This is actually an exercise I try to do regularly, especially when I've come across someone who is specifically annoying to me, or pisses me off.

I notice the annoying traits, and look at myself to see how it pertains to me and my situation or life experiences. Why am I triggered? I can then check myself, before I wreck myself. I get my mindset right, view my feelings for what they are, and am able to have a much more enjoyable day to day.

Generally speaking: If someone pisses you off, it's because of an underlying issue within you.

If someone starts making fun of my short legs, it doesn't even register with me. I don't get mad. I may wonder how this crazy person would come up with such a ridiculous statement, but I don't lose my shit. Why? Because I know my legs are actually stupid long. So that doesn't even make sense, and no emotional reaction is experienced. It doesn't mess with my sub-conscious beliefs about the length of my legs.

But if someone starts making fun of me for something I said, or something dumb I did, I'm triggered. Why? Because I have an emotional attachment to it. Deep down, I fear being dumb, or not accepted. Cue the defensive brat.

Working on your issues when it comes to this is NOT an easy thing to do.

It's way easier (and probably more fun!) to talk trash about them. To wish they'd spill their morning coffee on their white shirt. To sprint away at speeds comparable to Usain Bolt when they enter the room. Or when they *gag* try to have a conversation with you.

But trust me when I say, you guys: This is likely about you. Not them. Learn to look within and see where these gross feelings are coming from, and maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to drop a lot of dead weight you've been carrying around.

Who knows? You might even become besties. And that would be Luxuriously Dope.