I’m Sorry: An Apology to Myself

This is an apology to my Authentic Self. The true me, whom I silenced in the name of people-pleasing.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I silenced you. 

I’m sorry that the thoughts and opinions of everyone else in the room came before yours.

I’m sorry I forced you to remain uncomfortable, so that others could be comfortable.

I’m sorry you had to laugh at that joke that simply wasn’t funny.

I’m sorry you wanted to wear that, but I put it back, in case you were seen.

I’m sorry I avoided places you wanted to go, simply because I didn’t have the energy to hide you.

I’m sorry I made you go places and be in rooms and interact with people you never should have.

I’m sorry you apologized, when you were owed the apology.

I’m sorry that it was easier to traumatize you, than to keep you safe.

I’m sorry I thought you deserved to be treated that way.

I’m sorry I let the guilt and shame take over your very existence- and nearly kill you. 

And I’m sorry that it took so long to bring you back.

But I promise you, dear girl- I’m bringing you back.

I’m bringing you back by looking inward.

I’m saving you by taking every little thing about you, and not only acknowledging it, but celebrating it.

I’m honoring your existence by enforcing your boundaries.

I’m inviting you back to the party through fierce loyalty… to you.

And I’m so so damn proud of you, because every time I shoved you away… you survived. 

You survived in the anger I felt boil up inside me, and in the sadness that came out in tears.

You survived, even when I did everything in my power to make you disappear.

I do think I’ll keep you around. 

Thanks for staying.

You’re pretty freaking Luxuriously Dope. 🖤