You Got Knocked TF Out

If you are an overthinker who has had some, uh, life experiences test you (ie: been through a shit storm)… same, girl. Same. Here’s a jumble of thoughts and lessons I have taken. If they resonate with you? Great! If not? Consider yourself lucky that your brain works right, or your trauma was... less traumatic.

I completely lost myself as a human being last year, due to the universe throwing some big ass lessons right at my face.

And because I’ve never been on the Varsity squad, I got knocked tf out.

Mostly, I learned that I don’t even know who I am.

That’s rich, coming from a girl who used to post on the internet daily about self-love, did diet experiments for the internet, and curated a lovely blog.

Then once I got knocked out, I woke up and

didn’t have a clue.

I overthink everything.

I go between, ‘Those things I did before that I was so proud of were actually coping and avoidance mechanisms, so I don’t have to deal with my problems, and therefore shouldn’t do them anymore’ to ‘Wait, maybe they ARE ok, it’s just other people who don’t approve, and I want to appease them’.

And then I overthink who may or may not approve, worry if I’m being authentic, and continue down that slippery all-or-nothing, black-or-white slope.

Before you know it, I’ve done jack shit, I feel like shit, and am still overthinking and trying to feel something.

But.

Through a lot of reflection (and therapy! 🙌🏼) I’m learning a couple of things:

I’m not crazy, and my thoughts and feelings are totally valid. Sometimes just having someone confirm this is everything a people-pleaser like me needs.

Self-awareness can only get you so far, but YOU HAVE TIME. Like, I’m aware of my bullshit. So I need to fix it. But I’m terrified of fixing it, which stresses me out even more. Turns out, it will happen when it’s supposed to, as long as I’m putting in the work.

So for me, the work looks like really digging deep into what I enjoy, realizing I do deserve good things, and BEING OK WITH IT.

**It’s getting rid of the guilt and shame that comes with not measuring up to a standard I didn’t want for myself in the first place.**

It’s noticing that tight feeling in my throat, and knowing that means I’m not speaking up when I should.

It’s self-forgiveness.

It’s doing the things that make me feel my best, whatever that looks like.

I’ve always believed that we all have different strengths and purposes. It’s a matter of finding those things for you, and doing them- despite the noise.

And bonus lesson: When you do the things you love to do, notice how people respond. The ones you walk away from feeling all cozy and good? Go there again. The ones who make you feel small, dumb, or ashamed of that real you? Find a way to create distance.

Because when we constantly surround ourselves with people who make us feel small, we’ll never feel great. And when we hang with people who think we hung the moon? Well, you know. I have learned I’d much rather hang that moon.

(And just to be clear, those people who make you feel amazing can also tell you when you’re being an asshole- you’ll just know the difference, because they’re doing it out of love, not manipulation or jealousy.)

All of this to say…

I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Nobody actually does.

But I do know that I operate on the belief that we have this one shot, and if we’re wasting it on overthinking and pleasing others over ourselves, it’s such a waste of the human beings we know deep down we are supposed to be.

When the universe lands a punch, go ahead and cry, feel sorry for yourself, and take a minute. But then dig down, get back up, figure out why you got punched, and proceed with your life already.

Because getting knocked down, and being able to get back up, is Luxuriously Dope. 🖤